The Difference Between Healthy Love and Codependency (From a Gottman Perspective)
Have you ever thought you might be co-dependent in your relationship? The term "codependency" is often used in conversations about relationships, but what does it actually mean? Healthy relationships thrive on connection and support, but when that support starts to limit one partner’s individuality, it may be a sign of codependency. You may struggle with the following:
Making decisions without your partner
Want to do everything together
Fear saying “No” to your partner
Feel responsible somehow for your partner’s actions
For example, a couple had been together for five years, and while they loved each other deeply, the woman in the relationship found herself constantly seeking her partner’s approval before making even the smallest decisions. She avoided plans with friends unless her partner agreed, hesitated to express her own needs, and often found herself making excuses for her partner’s dismissive behavior. Over time, she felt less like an individual and more like an extension of their relationship.
Recognizing codependent tendencies doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed. The Gottman Method emphasizes building interdependence—a balance between connection and autonomy. Here are some ways to foster a healthier dynamic:
Embrace Your Own Decision-Making Skills – Seeking your partner’s input is great, but trusting yourself to make decisions is essential for self-confidence.
Prioritize Individuality – Spending time apart is just as important as spending time together. Engage in hobbies, friendships, and activities that are uniquely yours.
Practice Setting Boundaries – Saying “no” is not a rejection of love but an act of self-respect. If setting boundaries feels unsafe, professional support may be necessary.
Let Go of Responsibility for Your Partner’s Actions – You are responsible for yourself, not for how your partner behaves.
Many relationships display elements of codependency, but with awareness and effort, they can shift toward healthier patterns. The Gottman Method teaches that the difference between successful and struggling couples lies in their ability to create balance—supporting each other while maintaining individual identities. If you or your partner recognize codependent traits in your relationship, therapy can provide tools to create a more fulfilling and independent connection. You will learn how to set boundaries, rebuild confidence, and develop a healthier dynamic with your partner.
If you find yourself struggling with codependency, conflict, or unhealthy relationship patterns, The Lake Erie Center for Relationship Counseling is here to help. We provide a safe space to explore your relationship dynamics and guide you toward lasting change. You don’t have to navigate this alone—reach out today to start building a healthier, more balanced relationship.