Why Some Couples Let Small Issues Become Big Problems (And How to Stop It)
Your spouse walks into the kitchen and asks if the dishes in the dishwasher are clean or dirty? You think to yourself, “Of course, they are clean, and you would know it if you ever did the dishes.” You respond, “Yep.” Your spouse hears the underlying tone in your voice, and thinks, “Uh oh”, and says, “Thank you.” It’s too late, though, the temperature of the room has changed. Things are eerily silent until later your spouse asks, “Is everything okay?” This seemingly oblivious question raises your heart rate even more. You sternly respond, “It’s irritating that I have to tell if the dishes are clean or not.” Figure it out for yourself, you think.”I keep up with everything during the day. You know I stay on top of the dishes!” Let’s just say things escalate from there.
Small conflicts left unresolved can fester into major relationship problems. Believe it or not, those small moments built up over time can crush a relationship. In the example above, that conflict could last anywhere from a couple of minutes to a couple of days. If these small conflicts are not resolved in the moment, they build resentment in your marriage over time until you have a reaction like the one above.
The Gottman Method helps couples maneuver these moments more effectively and have conflict conversations instead of arguments. Understanding where you get stuck in communication and the unhelpful patterns you have developed over time can prevent unnecessary escalations in the future.
How do minor Issues become major problems? Every couple encounters conflict, but some issues persist, resurfacing time and again. Dr. John Gottman refers to these as “perpetual problems”—ongoing disagreements stemming from core differences between partners. While it may seem like a warning sign, Gottman’s research shows that these challenges are both common and manageable. By understanding the underlying psychology of these recurring conflicts, couples can move beyond the gridlock, fostering greater acceptance and harmony.
Have you experienced a similar scenario in your own relationship? My guess is yes, which means you are completely normal! Couples often want to dismiss these small conflicts as “silly” or “stupid”, however, they really do matter because it is the little moments that build and break down our relationships. At The Lake Erie Center for Relationship Counseling, we’ve seen how these small moments can lead to feelings of disconnect, loneliness and negative feelings about overall relationship wellness. Couples believed there was no way to get out of their destructive pattern. However, what they didn’t realize is that with the right knowledge they could manage conflicts more effectively.
Their story isn’t unique. Most of us learned some ineffective conflict resolution modeled to us by our parents. Research suggests the possibility of the intergenerational transmission of conflict styles between parents and their adult children which added to the established research that states individuals may be more likely to select partners who are like them in terms of their approaches to conflict. It is important to build self-awareness of our own conflict style as a learned behavior that we can unlearn. Gaining new skills around conflict management ends up being a real game changer for our clients and their relationships. Letting go of old patterns can create new opportunities for connecting with our partners during conflict in a way that is effective, productive and creates an environment ripe for repair.
It's not too late to course-correct! Gottman reminds us that the difference between Masters and Disasters in relationships is in how we make repairs. In his studies, the real difference between the couples who repaired successfully and those who didn’t was the emotional climate between partners. In other words, your repair attempt is only going to work well if you have really been a good friend to them, especially lately. Friendship is defined by Gottman as knowing your partner’s world by asking questions and remembering their answers, nurturing fondness and admiration in your relationship by letting them know how much you love them, and responding to your partner when they reach out to connect with you . Small steps in this direction make a big difference.
If you or your partner feel like the little things are becoming big problems, are struggling with conflict, feeling stuck in ineffective patterns of communication or experiencing loneliness in your relationship, it may be time to seek help. Therapy—whether individual or as a couple—can provide a safe space to explore these challenges and cultivate more friendship and intimacy with your partner. At The Lake Erie Center for Relationship Counseling, we are here to support you on this journey.
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